It was just a false alarm.

I often feel so much need to collect.. friends, memories, photographs, admirations, experiences. Because I am acutely aware at every moment just how transient this time is. I cannot afford to be negative for a moment. There's only so many chances I will get. So, that being said, I apologize to the girl in the library to whom I was extremely rude last night when she asked if I would unplug my cell phone charger so she could plug in her computer. I did the right thing in practice.. I let her use it.. but I did the wrong thing, because I spent the next hour (!) seething. Really? I don't have thirty seconds to spare.

With arms outstretched

I just often feel like I am reeeaching. Yearning. Keening. Like there is a low moan rumbling in the back of my throat because I need. I need different people in my life. I love the friends that I have. But I am nauseated by how much more I need. What's missing? Really. Seriously. I'm asking. Tell me.

Sustenance, Volume II

I'm just really sad. I want to vomit with how unsustained I feel in everything. My body feels like I need to expel parts of myself. Like there's something crawling on my skin that I can't shake. It makes my hair stand on end. Luckily I just talked to Aunt Judy and she always manages to get to my core and point out what's really wrong. I'm just unsatisfied with the way I get treated. Because I try so hard to be good to people, and to be helpful and giving. I ask people how their days are, and I remember when people have exams and I ask how they went. I ask questions. I give people a place to vent. I know who likes what food and when to back off and when to nag. I am good at people, and I am good to people. But rarely are people ever as good to me. Don't get me wrong I've had a few friends who are absolute gems who have made me feel completely loved and well cared for. And I mean I'm in college. I know hundreds of people. But I sometimes ask myself how many of them would actually ever help me if I needed anything. Like if I was in a crisis, if I was in a state of despair as deep as my bones, I don't know if there are more than one or two people I would turn to. Because I know that they are just as intentional about loving me as I am about loving them. And they are so, so precious. But I'm kind of tired of being taken advantage of, and having fake friends. My schoolwork sustains me. My job sustains me. My family sustains me. Some of my friends sustain me, but some leave me thirsting.

Sustenance

I just ate whole wheat penne with organic tomato sauce and sauteed vegetables, and then peach cobbler that my roommate michelle made topped with vanilla frozen yogurt. I'm drinking a glass of pinot grigio and listening to unreleased regina spektor music my brother gave me when he visited this week. my life is beautiful.

Blood and water.

Everyone who knows me knows about my Aunt Judy. She is one of the most important people in my life. I will never forget the night that our relationship changed and she became my confidant. I was thirteen, I think, and she had taken me and my brother Taylor to a movie. For whatever reason, when we got home she and I sat out in the car talking. And like she always does, Judy could tell something was bothering me and managed to weasel it out of me. And, like thirteen-year-olds do, I spent the next several hours crying about how my best friend growing up purposely did not invite me to her birthday party (my first instinct is to scoff at this so obviously juvenile behavior, but it just occurred to me that I would probably have a similar reaction if someone hosting a party overlooked me now. so much for growing up.) Regardless, after talking to Judy that night she became more than just my mom's sister. Since then, she has been the person I go to in my joy and my struggles and my frustrations. Gracias, Tia.

And, almost a year ago, I got the chance to be someone else's Aunt Judy. My brother Brian and his wife Lindsey had their first baby, Arthur Gregory O'Connor. HOLY CRAP! He is the cutest little nugget I have ever laid eyes on. And all I want is to be the most positive influence in his life that I can be.

In other news, I never want to take myself seriously. EVER. I always want to be a goofball. Unrelated, but true.

A desperate attempt

I am constantly on a furious expedition to be cool. This is borne mostly of the fact that everyone in my family is cool. My oldest brother Brian is an engineer and has a cool wife and a cool baby, and they live in a cool house in a cool city (Atlanta, which in the temperature sense is anything but cool, and really a lot more like a giant greenhouse), and then my less older brother writes and plays cool music and is really good at telling cool stories and rides a cool bike cause he's hip and progressive. I'm not sure I will even know cool when I see it on myself, but I hope so, because I have worked long and hard for it.

That being said, I spend a lot of time trying to look at myself from an outsider's perspective and judging myself on some sort of elusive coolness rating scale. I fluctuate between thinking I am an extremely clever, funny, and appealing person, and thinking that I should probably quit while I'm behind. Then I tend to ask myself this: why do I care so much what a random outsider thinks of me? One night at about 4 am, after hours of grrl talkz (I am generally not good at such activities, but every now and then I try to be a normal teenage girl), my friend Cassie made a very astute observation about me: "Reilly, I don't understand why you worry so much about other people judging your life. You seem way too concerned about what some random man in Canada thinks about what you're doing, instead of just doing what makes you happy." This is why I keep her around: because she can see right through my possibly cool exterior and understand my shit. So, since that conversation, I have tried more and more to not care about the random man in Canada, and care more about people who actually matter. i.e. my family, my closest closest friends, and myself.

This is easier said than done, but I try. And nothing has been better for my independence in terms of thoughts and actions than coming to college and learning to be alone and learning to do what I need to do for me, such as coming home at 10 pm and not drinking because I get up at 5:30 in the morning.

The moral of the story is this: I love Cassie Nelson and I am so glad she is here for the rest of the summer.

The limits of my world

Things I'm interested in lately:

1. Rose Fitzgerald Kennedy. For some reason people and media around me keep quoting her, so I feel like I need to read some about her. She sounds like a wise lady.

2. Delusional misidentification disorders, such as capgras delusion, the belief that a close relative or spouse has been replaced by an identical impostor, and intermetamorphosis, the belief that other people are changing identities while maintaining the same outside appearances. WHAAAT! How can you read about things like that and NOT want to be a psych major? I can't imagine how terrifying it must be to live in that kind of situation. Instability of the self, Captain Crazy used to call it.

3. Amnesty International, because I want to work for them so badly I can't even put it into words.

4. The fact that I'm going to Rhode Island with Chris for 4th of July this weekend and I'm crazy excited!

5. A whole host of other assorted things! I love life and thinking and learning!

Actual reality, act up, fight AIDS

I just really love summer here.

This is what you do when you live in the mountains.

Every step you take.

this is my political agenda:

organized love

global responsibility

mutual accountability

love without limits

acceptance beyond tolerance

the influence of the heart

mind over matter

people over things

relationships that challenge

the sanctity of trust

nonviolence

not to hurt and not to hate

passion laughter joy rhythm power harmony empathy

Your love is gonna change me.

Because I am vain and this is my blog and I do what I want, pictures. I took the first one while I was having the most delightful lunch at More Than Coffee which is my favorite restaurant EVER. Tzatziki sauce and free wireless? yes please.

A simple little kind of free

Let's pretend we don't exist, let's pretend we're in Antarctica!

Love, love, love.

Absentia

Alas, I have not updated in a very long time. Sorry about that. And it's even a lame reason that I'm finally here: to write about how I'm suddenly deeply, deeply repulsed by my friends' drunken sexual escapades and I'm not sure why. I mean, let's be totally blunt: I'm not proud of it, but there was a time in my life (i.e. fall semester 2009) where I did a lot of drinking and a lot of kissing boys. And maybe this is just my own skewed justification, but I'm glad that a few basic parameters of decency were met in my actions: never strangers, never sex, never when I was blacked out. I tried to maintain some semblance of control. And I think it's weird when people break any of those. And being out with everyone last night while everyone was wasted and I was sober was a very bizarre experience, in the sense that I was looking at my friends and I was embarrassed for them. And then I was embarrassed for me because I know I've behaved in much more outlandish ways. Its just that right now the party scene is making me feel a little sick.

Images and goals and sounds!

To start things off, some pictures from recent weeks.

With the girls on April 16th. We spent part of the day on campus and part down at the river, then came back for the vigil. It was sad and celebratory and challenging and beautiful.

The gang at relay for life! Rarely have I felt so proud to be a Hokie than I did the night of Relay. We have raised over $100,000 more than any other collegiate Relay this year. There seriously is something so different about the spirit of the Hokie Nation. It was a night so full of love and so full of hope and there was dancing and Swedish fish and it was freezing cold, but it was awesome.

With Cody at his birthday party! It was an '80s theme. Very fun. And really, my appreciation for Cody Solberg is insane. He is always so upbeat, so loving and positive and ready for an adventure. We always have a blast together, drinking Bud Light with Lime at 3 in the afternoon while listening to John Mayer, or leaving everyone we know videos on their facebook walls, or dancing to Black Eyed Peas, or going hiking and talking about how much we love Blacksburg and what a beautiful part of the country we live in.

All the girls before the '80s party! It was so fun to have Melinda here. We went to goodwill to buy outfits, where I happened to procure the rockin' leather jacket and gold top. Such a good night.

The A2s! I seriously have had such a blast this year being a part of the women's choir and making a group of friends that are so diverse in terms of interests and personality- we probably would never be friends if we met anywhere else, but we are united in that we love to sing and we believe in the transformative power of music. which, incidentally, is no small thing. All of these girls just have a fantastic sense of humor and a deep appreciation for composition and we have a blast together. Also, we have a hand signal, taking our level of awesomeness from a Lady GaGa level straight to a Beyonce level.

My parents came down for my last choir concert of the semester, and Chris took this with his awesome camera/masterful photog skillz. I LOVE MY MOM!!! She has been so wonderful to me always, and especially this year, and even more especially, in recent weeks when I've been calling her to freak out about the summer and stress and finals and issues. Also, she has lost a TON of weight! Look at her, the skinny little thing.

A typical pre-going out Reilly & LDL webcam photo shoot, with one very spectacular addition: CHRISTOPHER! He's my boyfriend. AH! I have a boyfriend! Boyfriend boyfriend boyfriend.

So, that's just a brief multimedia update on my life these past couple months.

Oh my gosh. Is it too crazy that I have a boyfriend? A LONG DISTANCE boyfriend! Something I swore I would never have ever again! But it's so different. It is SO different from the way things were with Jed. Stopping what I'm doing to call him feels like a joy, not a burden. Him talking to me about his worries that I'm partying too much are genuine and well-meaning, not a desire to control me. He is sweet and caring and genuine and encouraging and passionate and funny and HE LISTENS TO ME WHEN I SPEAK. and he gives me words of affirmation. And he kisses me on the forehead, and he hangs out with my parents, and he takes beautiful pictures, and he has a precious family. Oh gosh. I'm just happy!

Things I Want To Do This Summer:

1. Become best friends with Dr. Dunsmore, director of VT's Child Social Development Lab and all-around Nicest Person on Earth.

2. Make money ( I cannot pretend that this is not a priority. As sad as it makes me, the fact remains that I desperately hate borrowing money from my parents and would desperately love to have some income. )

3. Buy produce at the Blacksburg Farmers Market

4. Spend ample time at the New River

5. Go to church regularly at Fieldstone/possibly get involved in their music situation

6. Reduce the amount of stuff in my life

7. Build some new relationships with people that I don't see as much during the school year

8. Continue my pattern of exercising/losing weight. It has been happening and it is awesome. And I've become much more acquainted with the paths/back roads of Blacksburg, making it much easier for me to run, as I have always been hindered by my absolute mortification at the idea of anyone seeing me running

9. READ! History of Philosophy, America in the Age of Genocide, Generation X, etc.

10. Explore, learn, challenge myself, pursue all things that are true and beautiful.

Songs I'm Listening To:

1. Billionare by Travis McCoy ft. Busta Rhymes. ( Obviously. )

2. New People by Blue Scholars

3. Last Person by Jenny Owen Youngs

4. Waltz for ZiZi by Yoko Kanno

5. Bang Bang by Dispatch

6. Crazy Love by Pepper

7. My Sweet Rose by Matt Costa

8. Samson by Regina Spektor

9. Everyone's Rooting for You by Sondre Lerche

10. Why Bother? by Weezer

Subclass synapsida, mammal-like reptiles.

I am in zoology.

I am bored.

What else is new? I'm so excited for the weekend because it's our last weekend to play before finals, and also because melinda is coming to visit!!! Oh my gosh I love her so much. Let's do a photo montage.

Isn't she beautiful? AHHH I love her. Too excited to sleep!

You laugh until you cry.

Let me just be blunt for a moment.

I care more about people than I do about animals. I don't understand why no one seems very perturbed when a professional athlete rapes a woman, but horrified when he leads dogfighting. Yes- dogfighting is wrong and sad and awful. But why do people always cry when animals die in movies, but we can watch other human beings get shot down without a problem? I learned in my social psych class that if people were killed in real life at the rate they are in the media, the U.S. population would be killed off in 50 days. There are four violent acts shown on TV for every single act of kindness.

WHAT?!

Look, I'm sorry, I know I sound like a huge hippie, but I just can't do violence. I can't. I will never spank my child, no matter how many people try to convince me that it's not harmful. Yes, I'm sure a lot of children get spanked and turn out fine. But I will not be one of those parents who does it, I just won't. I can't. I shoved a kid I was babysitting a little too hard once when I was like 13, and I will never forget the look on his face as long as I live. I will never forget how horrified I was at myself, and how I felt like a monster.

I don't believe in war. I try. Like I try to believe that sometimes war is justified. And I do believe that there are ways to fight wars that are more just than others, but I don't understand why that's the most effective action. It literally makes my bones weary to think about. Maybe it's because I always want to believe that everyone is goodhearted and has the very best of intentions, and that's why I think diplomacy is always the best choice. And I know people think that's stupid, I do. But I will not be the kind of person that is jaded and thinks all people are only out for themselves, I won't. Even if people continuously provide evidence to the contrary, I will always maintain that we are motivated, at our very core, by love.

And you know, not believing in war doesn't mean I hate America. It really doesn't. Hell, being a Democrat does not mean I hate America. I love America and I love Americans, and I don't want any more of them to die in war! How is that an unpatriotic standpoint? I want to save lives. Maybe that's the thing though- I want to save lives, not just American lives, but globally, I want to save lives. I don't want to be discriminatory with my love. I want my love to settle like a blanket over the earth.

I don't want to fight. I don't want to argue. I don't want to feel tension and conflict. I don't want to hate, I don't want to hit, I don't want to shoot a gun, I don't ever even want to hold a gun. I don't want to spank my children and I won't marry anyone who wants to spank my children. I want to do everything I can to promote a peaceful lifestyle. I want to love everyone. I want to be like Jesus.

We're all laughing with God.

"This is how it works:

you're young until you're not

you love until you don't

you try until you can't

you laugh until you cry

you cry until you laugh

and everyone must breathe

until their last dying breath."

-regina spektor

aka the goddess of all that is musical and heavenly

i'm really all kinds of nuts about this boy.

My soul magnifies the Lord.

The Westboro Baptist Church is coming to Blacksburg today, a week before the 3-year anniversary of the shooting, to tell us we deserved it. There's a student-organized rally going on on campus (the WBC will be at three different places downtown, but the university is not advocating that students actually go there), and I'm terrified of what it might turn into. Because I'm not really interested in going to an anti-WBC angerfest. If we are angry, and we hate them, what does that accomplish? when does hatred ever accomplish anything? I want today to be an outpouring of strength, a time to remind ourselves how much we all love each other, how much we love the Hokie Nation, how WE WILL PREVAIL.

I would just always rather be pro-something than anti-anything.

I would rather be pro-love than anti-hate.

I would rather be pro-my loving loving God than anti-their hateful veangeful God.

But I am afraid that not everyone is on the same page with that.

And I just really hope nothing bad happens today.

It is a beautiful day outside!

It is impossible to be in a bad mood on a day like today!

Playlist of lately:

1. Single Ladies- Pomplamoose

2. Hey Hey- Dispatch

3. Wrong Idea- Chris Thile

4. Perfectly Lonely- John Mayer

5. Little Secrets- Passion Pit

6. Tripping Down The Freeway- Weezer

7. For Emma- Bon Iver

8. Hey Soul Sister- Train

9. If You Think You Need Some Lovin'- Pomplamoose

10. Two Atoms In A Molecule- Noah and the Whale

Call me a liberal, but...

What is there to fear about things that are different? When did the walls of our comfort zones become made of bricks? The only way to grow is to experience different circumstances. Your mind can't expand if you never let it see the sun. I want the richness of the world to penetrate my cells. I want to read things that are dark and complicated and challenging and contradictory to my own opinions. I want to let words seep into my veins and move through me like a tide. I want the power of my mind to wash over me and erode my defenses until I am nothing but a vessel for all things that are true.

Nostrils: A Tale of Fumigation

So! I got my nose pierced. I AM OBSESSED WITH IT. Like too obsessed to sleep. I talk about it constantly (sorry, everyone). But really, this is the takeaway lesson: before you get your nose pierced, someone will put a sanitizing cloth (sister to the wet nap perhaps) on the end of a qtip and use it to clean out your nose. this will feel strange. in fact, it will feel like someone is trying to tap your brain. when it comes time for the actual piercing, a tube will be placed into your nose. i cannot sugarcoat this experience. a tube going up your nostril feels exactly like a tube going up your nostril. not particularly painful, but unnatural and highly odd. i was more distracted by all the hardware creeping up towards my sinuses than i was by the (sharp) needle making its way through my (defenseless) flesh. SO WORTH IT. Do not bother trying to reason with me. I am a woman devoted.

I bet you can barely see it, right? That was the goal!! I wanted it to be small and inconspicuous. But there it is on the left side of my nose, looking beautiful and triumphant.

This is also a big step for me because I used to be insanely self-conscious about my nose. I used to hate standing so people could look at my profile. Now not only do I care less in general about what other people think of my various unattractive features, but my nose has a chance to SHINE! Sorry, nose, for all those years of disdain. Love ya.

I will be grateful for this day.

I am sad. I don't feel loved. I am used to surrounding myself with close-knit communities and love and care and constant affection. Now I feel like the majority of the people around me think I'm a bad person. I think there's a problem when spending time with nice people in class and friendly acquaintances in choir and BY MYSELF makes me feel more loved than spending time with the people that are supposedly like family. Good gracious what is my life.

As much as I love it here

Sometimes I miss a few people from home so much I can hardly stand it.

I need to remind myself that there are things about me that are good.

I laugh easily. I smile at strangers. I see a lot of value in spending time by myself. I do not get bored frequently. I make friends quickly. I am polite. I am respectful of different cultures. I try to be as open as possible to arguments against my opinions. I read quickly and deeply. I sing loudly. I am not bothered by things like bad weather and late buses and when things take slightly longer than they should. I don't leave dishes in the sink. I keep my disorganization confined to my own bedroom. I make cards for people when they are sad. I share well. I try not to jaywalk. I try to speak my mind tactfully. I try to listen well. I dance freely. I am low-maintenance. I love things that are beautiful, especially in nature. I like to listen to other people's problems. I try to be ethical every day. I try to be positive at every moment.

But I can't even sit down and write a list of things I like about myself, that no one else will ever read, without being reminded of all the things I wish were different. And all the qualities I have that are negative. And all the reasons I am nothing at all like Jesus. And all the reasons people are mad at me all the time. I'm just having such a hard time seeing past all of those things. How is it possible that I can manage to see the good in just about everyone, even people that are mean or selfish or Republican, but I can't allow myself to see the good in my own soul without feeling guilty?

Dynamic.

There are more ideas on earth than intellectuals imagine. And these ideas are more active, stronger, more resistant, more passionate than "politicians" think. We have to be there at the birth of ideas, the bursting outward of their force: not in books expressing them, but in events manifesting this force, in struggles carried on around ideas, for or against them. Ideas do not rule the world. But it is because the world has ideas (and because it constantly produces them) that it is not passively ruled by those who are its leaders or those who would like to teach it, once and for all, what it must think.

- Michel Foucault

I want to live in the midst of the ideas. I want imagination to burst from my heart like sunflowers.

Ldl. Ashbo. Reils. Cassafrass.

This is an old picture, and not even from any particular time. Just a random night of hanging out at the guys' house with some of my best friends in the whole world. I don't know what I would do without these three girls in my life and I'm tooooo excited for us all to live together next year!

You can have my reasons but you will never have my rhymes.

Lately I've been getting a really constricted feeling around my heart when I think about the future. Jesus commands me not to worry Jesus commands me not to worry Jesus commands me not to worry. I'm working on it.

I'm getting really, really tired of having LDL annoyed at me, consistently. Constantly. Perpetually. And I don't know if it worries me so much because I genuinely feel like it's unwarranted or because I feel bad about the way I handle her, and know that she is right to be annoyed with me. I really don't know. I just try hard to be a good friend. But I worry that I usually fail. This does not please me. I am full of anxiety.

Love in, Love out.

"freely you have received, freely give." matthew 10:8

maybe i need to stop thanking my lucky stars that the universe always works in my favor and start trying to help the universe work in other people's favor. maybe i should stop feeling like i'm using up all my luck and recognize that i'm supposed to DO something with it. i walk around every day knowing how blessed i've been, but i also walk around waiting for the other shoe to drop. i always say to myself, the universe doesn't work like this. people don't get to always have things work out for them. but maybe i need to stop feeling guilty and USE IT. there are so many beautiful and precious things that I have received freely. FREELY. without having to do anything in return. HOW AWESOME IS THAT? God is good to me, always. He has always provided. Without me doing anything to deserve it, besides being his child. So i should be striving to give in a similar manner. Freely give. Freely give of myself and my time and my possessions. Freely.

When I daydream.

"in a day, sometimes I feel so much love for the world, I think

my heart is bursting. Sometimes, I feel so scared, I want to

shrink myself even further. I think that’s what happened to us gods

and goddesses. Like the dinosaurs, we realized that it’s too dangerous

to be so large. So we kept shrinking ourselves to what we are now.

We might get even smaller. I see the sign in the engineers making

smaller gadgets, smaller and smaller. Pretty soon, our fingers will be

too large to operate them. So what are we doing? I trust in the

human wisdom. We are incredibly intelligent beings. So we might

know something without thinking that we know." - yoko ono

www.imaginepeace.com

I'd rather dance through life than march through it.

Artists featured on my playlist for my car ride home tomorrow: ben folds, the ramones, indigo girls, weird al yankovic, john mayer, josh turner, adele, cheryl wheeler, renee fleming, regina spektor, weezer, the dixie chicks, rehab, allison krauss, atmosphere, death cab for cutie, anouk, usher, joni mitchell, savage garden, mgmt, sublime, garth brooks, billy joel, etta james, patty griffin, vengaboys, the beatles, vampire weekend, the format, hellogoodbye, mika, la roux, dashboard confessional, marc broussard, the proclaimers, the black eyed peas, field music, michael franti & spearhead, matt nathanson, bob dylan, lissie, ingrid michaelson, dire straits, eric bibb, owl city, fiona apple, garth brooks, plain white t's.

i love music. and driving alone. and life!

I've got a little love in my heart.

I freaking love this place.

Echoing inside my head.

Playlist of lately:

1. The Girl- City and Colour

2. Little Lovin'- Lissie

3. Bulletproof- La Roux

4. She Can Do What She Wants- Field Music

5. Why Try To Change Me Now- Fiona Apple

6. Who Says- John Mayer

7. Stronger Than Me- Amy Winehouse

8. Santeria- Sublime

9. One Step Closer To You- Michael Franti & Spearhead

10. Shine On- Eric Bibb

11. Let The Music Get Down In Your Soul- Marc Broussard

I love sitting in Torg because I pretend I'm in a submarine.

Look! I got a haircut. Exciting times. Bangs! I have wanted bangs for such a long time. And finally got them. I vary between thinking I look like a 3rd grader and I look hip and fashionable, but either way, I really like them.

Okay. So. Something that I like to do, is listen to my instincts. And I frequently get really, really strong feelings that I should do or not do something. And I try to listen to them, because they never led me astray.

So, that being said, I need to go to Canada.

More specifically, I need to go to British Columbia. And I don't know when, or where I will stay, or who I will go with, but I need to go to Canada. And no, this is not because of the Olympics ( of which I watched about 20 minutes, I know, I'm lame ). It's just because that is what my heart is telling me.

My constant refrain.

Jesus commands me not to worry. Jesus commands me not to worry. Jesus commands me not to worry. He doesn't suggest it, or condone it, or encourage it, or nudge me in that direction. Jesus COMMANDS me not to worry. Jesus commands me not to worry. Jesus commands me not to worry.

Sooner or later it's there I will go.

Any joy is everywhere; it is in the earth's green covering of grass; in the blue serenity of the sky; in the reckless exuberance of spring; in the severe abstinence of grey winter; in the living flesh that animates our bodily frame; in the perfect poise of the human figure, noble and upright; in living; in the exercise of all our powers; in the acquisition of knowledge; in fighting evils; in dying for gains we never can share. Joy is there everywhere; it is superfluous, unnecessary; nay, it very often contradicts the most peremptory behests of necessity. It exists to show that the bonds of law can only be explained by love; they are like body and soul. Joy is the realisation of the truth of oneness, the oneness of our soul with the world and of the world-soul with the supreme lover.

- Rabindranath Tagore (recent obsession. so brilliant.)

i can keep rhythm with no metronome.

My friend Chris (aforementioned as Sunglass Virtuoso), took this picture when he was visiting this past weekend. I am mostly impressed by it because he was standing less than a foot from me when he took it. Wide angle lens, baby. He takes some really, really legit photographs. So jealous. Always a skill I wish I had acquired. I do not like that this picture makes me look like a slave to technology. But at least, Lent has made me less of one. And for that I'm grateful!

Choose to do things that help people come together.

"Don't let mistakes be so monumental

and don't let your love be so confidential

and don't let your mind be so darn judgmental

and please let your heart be more influential."

I don't know how Michael Franti consistently sings my thoughts.

We are strong and brave and innocent and unafraid.

Things I'm afraid of on a daily basis:

1. Thinking that my headphones are plugged into my computer when they are not, thus exposing all inhabitants of the surrounding area to whatever horribly embarrassing music I am jamming out to.

2. Having awkward run-ins with people around campus- hence, my tendency to sometimes hide when I see people I know.

3. Driving in the dark.

4. Forgetting what time my classes happen ( this actually did happen to me earlier in the semester. note for future reference: global ethics happens at 2, not 2:30 )

5. Being yelled at by one of my roommates ( this doesn't frequently happen, but I am super paranoid about it. big shout of gratitude to angry roommates of yesteryear )

6. Situations where people are tense/angry/militant/argumentative. I am not sure why this stresses me out so much, but it is literally difficult for me to breathe when people get upset.

7. Spending my whole break between classes making arbitrary lists to post in my arbitrary blog when I should be writing my paper for bioethics. Right.

I just came by to show you my zoot suit.

Ruminations on this picture:

1. These sunglasses are badass. My friend Chris, who works at Vans, got them for me because I have been hounding him for free sunglasses for close to a year now. He surpassed my expectations with not only this smokin hot pair but another (not pictured) pair of black plastic ray bans style shades. Not real ray bans, because I am frugal, and also because breaking sunglasses is one of my favorite pastimes.

2. Please note my trendy scarf/button down/sweater/awesome shades combo. I am inching closer to that ever-elusive goal of being cool and fashionable.

3. Taking pictures on Photobooth is awesome. I don't know how, but it makes everyone look significantly more attractive than any other camera.

4. Not to imply that I look particularly attractive in this picture, because that is clearly false. But, in general, macbook pics = hot stuff.

5. These sunglasses were particularly appropriate because my friends and I have lately become obsessed with performing citizen's arrests (obviously) and these sunglasses were clearly designed for that purpose. How could a hardened local criminal NOT fall asunder to my sneering face in those bad boys?

I've got my philosophy.

this picture makes my heart full. i love the world!

Got to get you into my life.

For this reason I kneel before the father, from whom his whole family in heaven and on earth derives its name. I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And i pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge- that you may be filled to the measure with all the fullness of God.

Ephesians 3:14-19

That may very well be my favorite piece of scripture ever. I recognize the boldness of this statement. But I think it's true. Hence, blog URL.

I know I'm not alone.

"I want you to be weak. As weak as I am." - Milan Kundera

All mankind are now your brothers.

Things on my mind these days: the ridiculous, tiring, alcohol-soaked weekend I just had, how much work I have to do this week, that fact that I have a job interview tomorrow (WHAT?), how much I love poppyseed dressing, how tired I am, ethical concerns for using people in underdeveloped countries in research, cochlear implants, deaf culture, nematodes, rotifers, mollusks, melinda boisjolie, ice water, and how my life is a mess. It's sunday and that's lame.

i believe in miracles.

"I don't know why I was so surprised when the season changed. I do not know when it became difficult for me to look at the colors of October. I do not know when the reds and oranges became an oppression instead of an opportunity. All I know is that I am startled. I am becoming ill trying to return to summer. I am taken aback by the turn of the earth. And in my confusion I am unsteady, and in my unsteadiness I am fragile. It is the time of year to cling to something solid, and I have looked down and seen only dust beneath my feet, where bricks used to be. My jewels shatter in my palms though my touch is light, as if they can sense that sooner or later I will beak them. It is not the time of year for brokenness and yet I am clutching shards. Maybe next autumn I will have to avoid those things that are fragile. Fragile because they are unsteady, and unsteady because we are confused. Maybe next year my motion sickness will ease and I will spin with the earth, rather than pedaling backwards.

Really I'm just tired of breaking things. I just want something solid to hold onto, with all my might, something to wrap my hands around and know that I am safe. And this desire is made worse by the fact that I thought I had found my equator. I thought my exploration was done and I had found my center of origin, not the place I was born but the place from which my love could burst like fireworks. And there are only two explanations: that I was horribly, horribly wrong or perfectly right."

- my thoughts on October 26, 2009

Ash Wednesday ruminations!

hey world, what do you say?

come, come, whoever you are.

• Even if you lose yourself in wrath
  for a hundred thousand years,
  at the end you will discover,
  it is me, who is the culmination of your dreams.

• Didn't I tell you
  not to be satisfied with the veil of this world?
  I am the master illusionist,
  it is me, who is the welcoming banner at the gate of your contentment.

• Didn't I tell you?
  I am an ocean, you are a fish;
  do not go to the dry land,
  it is me, who is your comforting body of water.

• Didn't I tell you?
  They will accuse you of all the wrongdoings,
  they will call you ugly names,
  they will make you forget
  it is me, who is the source of your happiness.
• -Rumi

beauty, freedom, truth and love.

I just want to claim for myself all things that are beautiful

can you love some more?

I'll take one step closer to you.

"everyone deserves music." - michael franti.

so, I haven't updated because I don't know what to say about my life right now. It is tumultuous and weird and wacky and awesome and heartbreaking. Tumultuous because my outlook keeps changing like the weather, weird because I'm drinking low calorie gatorade and that goes against everything I know about life, wacky because my friends are awesome and we do things like wear bandannas all night, dance to old school P!nk, and wear lingerie around our house. Awesome because I love school SO MUCH and I'm having such a crazily academically challenging and beautiful semester. Heartbreaking because I feel like a moral failure of a person. I am just simultaneously so happy and so sad.

there's a thousand ways we could start over.

so, it's a new semester. that's pretty cool. as much as i absolutely loved last semester, especially in terms of academics, the idea of starting fresh is always thrilling. the whole tone, schedule, tendencies, everything of each semester are so different. and the exciting thing is that so far i am pretty deeply in love with most (potentially all) of my classes. biomedical ethics, modern logic, global ethics, zoology, women's chorale, social psych. i wish i was taking more psych classes, but it's okay because i am having a philosophy-laden semester and that's fun! reading is pretty much my natural state these days.

one of my goals for the semester has been to expand myself in terms of social circles, etc.- i'm just getting a little tired of doing the theatre groupie thing and being surrounded with overly dramatic and judgmental people. i just want to be around people that are positive and build other people up. so i'm trying to keep my eyes open for opportunities to make friends and create community.

that being said, i hope i can actually make it happen.

i tend to kind of talk about this a lot, but i'm really afraid that i'm using up all my life's luck in my first two decades. seriously? nothing really horrible has ever happened to me. ever. every time something tragic has happened to someone at our school or whatever, it's never been anyone close to me. i've never been in a bad car accident. i've never even gotten a ticket. no one i have been deeply, personally, intrinsically intertwined with has truly suffered, at least not when i was old enough to feel it in my bones. and i'm simultaneously ridiculously grateful for this and really, really terrified. because this is not how the universe works! people don't get to only have good things happen to them forever. this hinders me in my quest to be the best friend ever because it's impossible for me to relate when people have these tragic things happen to them, or when people carry around this baggage from things that have happened before. i just am at a loss for words.

love edifies.

so, today i just started reading my textbook for the biomedical ethics class. and one of the issues i just read about in the introduction is about the importance in ethical theory of action judgments v. virtue/character judgments. like, does it make someone more moral if their BEHAVIOR is moral, but lacking in the virtuous motivations, or if their CHARACTER is moral but their action is not. This is something I think about a lot, but never seem to resolve. I'm not sure if it's still valuable to do good things for the wrong reasons, because the good things could still have a good impact. Like, is it still valuable to do volunteer work if you do it for personal gain? Rather than just to, say, serve a dinner to a person who otherwise wouldn't eat? I mean, the person still gets fed. So do the ends justify the means? I really don't know.

I've just been focusing a lot lately on improving my motivations. Like, stopping to ask myself why I really want to do something, and if it is going to hurt or help the situation. I've been reading this verse a lot lately, 1 Cor. 8:1. Knowledge puffs up but love builds up. I try to remind myself constantly to do everything I can to build people up.

In other news, classes start tomorrow. Let's do it.

the broad spectrum.

i really dislike arguments. i really dislike tension, and people yelling, and anger. usually the things that people get upset about, i just laugh at. and the more people argue, the more laughable i find them. i'm not impressed by wordplay and well-spun logic.

so, that being said, what does it mean to be open-minded? does a liberal political perspective automatically mean you are more tolerant of others? or only that you are tolerant of people just like you? i don't see much tolerance for conservatives. and that's what tolerance means, right? it means having an open heart to EVERYONE. that means i'm supposed to love rush limbaugh and ann coulter and my host of conservative friends just as much as i love jon stewart and barack obama. i'm supposed to be just as respectful towards people that think the earth is 2000 years old and people that have no wiggle room on abortion and people that think the government administered AIDS as i am towards people who believe in health care reform and middle class tax cuts and gay marriage.

that's hard to stomach. but that's what jesus calls me to do, right? jesus calls me to love, period. and that doesn't mean i have to think they're right, but it means that i owe them a level of respect and decency regardless of the fact that we disagree. and that's why i am so frustrated by established, educated people who make childish, inappropriate remarks about other people or their beliefs.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zPoWOw8Jm5w --> olbermann slamming robertson and limbaugh? really? yes, i agree that robertson and limbaugh's statements about haiti were inaccurate and far-fetched and close-hearted. but to state that you would actually condemn them to hell and to call them empty souls?

the god i know wouldn't want me to do that, i don't think. the god i know would want me to interact with compassion with everyone- regardless of political or religious affiliations. my god wants me to open my heart to athiests and agnostics and every religious trend because that's the only way i can bring heaven to earth. is that right? i don't know. but that's what i'm thinking about today.

i like songs that remind me of love.

"my love is my whole being, and i've shared what i could

but if you give a little love, you can get a little love of your own.

if you give a little love, you can get a little love of your own.

well my heart is bigger than the earth, and though life is what gave it love first

life is not all that it's worth, because life is fleeting

but i love you, and my love surrounds you like an ether in everything that you do

but if you get a little love, you can get a little love of your own.

if you give a little love, you can get a little love of your own.

if you give a little love, you can get a little love of your own.

if you give a little love, you can get a little love of your own.

well if you are what you love

and you do what you love

i will always be the sun and moon to you

and if you share with your heart

and you give with your heart

what you share with the world is what it keeps of you."

noah and the whale

an opportunity to stop.

i'm sitting in market street coffee with my friend morgan, being a big cliche. sitting in my skinny jeans on my macbook drinking coffee and blogging.. sometimes it is refreshing to be a stereotype. at least i feel like i have somewhere to fit. 

i've been ruminating lately on the value of being still, and what i can learn when i eliminate. also, i've recently become obsessed with douglas coupland, a canadian writer who writes for the new york times (www.coupland.com/couplandisms). he is one of this new class of writers who manages to just write about random things that have been on their minds and somehow make it stimulating and relevant. anyway, he said this: "sometimes the best lighting of all is a power failure". 

not surprisingly, this made me think about Jesus.

i feel like jesus has really been showing me lately what i can accomplish, and what kind of peace i can achieve, when i just STOP. or slow down. it's a lot easier to examine my life when it's not whizzing by me at top speed. and i'm such a work-under-pressure, busy busy kind of person that it's sometimes hard for me to be still and not feel guilty about it. because we are so hard-wired to PRODUCE! that's something we talked about when i was in the dominican republic in the summer of 2008- because in the dominican, and i'm sure in a lot of other countries besides the U.S., there is so much less value placed on what you produce and so much more on the time you spend just BEING with people. um, hey, that's all i ever want in life, hence my constant refrain of how i want to be a professional friend when i grow up. 

it is so much easier to appreciate the hugeness of God when he's the only thing i can see. 

when i'm not shuffling, organizing, reorganizing, distributing, being distracted, WORRYING- there's just me. and what makes me happy. and right now, jesus makes me happy. 

jesus commands me not to worry. and sometimes i wish he would shut off the power a little more and force me to be comfortable in the darkness.

not an obligation, but a celebration.

Here's the thing. 

I'm just looking for a place to talk about Jesus. 

And I think it is both scary and fascinating that it is very likely I will always be the only one who reads it. I'm getting a little burnt out on the accessibility of my life these days. I'm kind of tired of having everyone be able to see, read, judge nearly every aspect of my life (big shout-out to Mark Zuckerberg, young entrepreneur, creator of Facebook and ruiner of privacy). And that is why I am starting this blog when I already have an online journal that I have maintained since I was in 8th grade. Because I want to talk about Jesus without fear.

And really, it's January 3rd. It is a new year and a new decade. And I want 2009 to be the last year of my life in which I was not completely devoted to my faith. I had coffee with a good friend from high school recently and she reminded me of one of those obvious truths that never work when you just tell them to yourself: Nothing is going to change unless you take steps to make it happen. It is remarkable how much more jarring that is to hear it from someone else than to whisper it in your own mind for 3 months. 

So I guess, I will get out of 2010 what I put into it. And right now I am full of joy in the Lord and I am ready to take that out of my head and put it into action in my life. Sound like a plan? Great.

a couple thousand words.

these are a few of the people who are my microsystem.

this is ldl. she is one of my roommates, and one of my best friends, and probably the person I have the most complicated relationship with. we frequently want to punch each other in the face, but we love each other no matter what.

these are the three girls that keep me centered when everything else is a rollercoaster: katie, cecily and melinda. they are all smart and kind and beautiful and loving and nonjudgmental. they are the people i can turn to in my guilt and my joy and my shame and my pride.

the group of people commonly referred to as my VT family: drew, donnelly, cassie, ashley, jennie, ldl, molly, sammi, carly, ray, dylan, and me. and scott, who was behind the camera on this one. the dynamics of this group are ridiculous. and they all have a lot to do with my faith in practice- way too convoluted to explain now, but in time.