Sustenance, Volume II

I'm just really sad. I want to vomit with how unsustained I feel in everything. My body feels like I need to expel parts of myself. Like there's something crawling on my skin that I can't shake. It makes my hair stand on end. Luckily I just talked to Aunt Judy and she always manages to get to my core and point out what's really wrong. I'm just unsatisfied with the way I get treated. Because I try so hard to be good to people, and to be helpful and giving. I ask people how their days are, and I remember when people have exams and I ask how they went. I ask questions. I give people a place to vent. I know who likes what food and when to back off and when to nag. I am good at people, and I am good to people. But rarely are people ever as good to me. Don't get me wrong I've had a few friends who are absolute gems who have made me feel completely loved and well cared for. And I mean I'm in college. I know hundreds of people. But I sometimes ask myself how many of them would actually ever help me if I needed anything. Like if I was in a crisis, if I was in a state of despair as deep as my bones, I don't know if there are more than one or two people I would turn to. Because I know that they are just as intentional about loving me as I am about loving them. And they are so, so precious. But I'm kind of tired of being taken advantage of, and having fake friends. My schoolwork sustains me. My job sustains me. My family sustains me. Some of my friends sustain me, but some leave me thirsting.

Sustenance

I just ate whole wheat penne with organic tomato sauce and sauteed vegetables, and then peach cobbler that my roommate michelle made topped with vanilla frozen yogurt. I'm drinking a glass of pinot grigio and listening to unreleased regina spektor music my brother gave me when he visited this week. my life is beautiful.